Tuesday, December 26, 2017

More reasons for black

Hello, again! I felt like the other post deserved to be separate but I have more to say today. Since I last updated this blog, I became twice the mother I was before, with a second precious little boy. Baby J is now a skosh more than 3.5 months old. 

The beginning of his life was nothing less than magical, with a home birth more magical than my wildest dreams. From there things have been rougher in waves, with plenty of respite in between. The main struggle has been colic, as J has had some serious gastrointestinal issues. A lot of tummy massages, CST, super expensive probiotics, homeopathy and a posterior tongue-tie procedure later, we are still struggling. I blame a combination of the holidays and my hormones. Not sure what to blame for J’s continued discomfort.

Once I felt ready to try for another baby, I always thought that if I could just get through the first few weeks and months without mental illness, I would have it in the bag. Unfortunately, it seems I was wrong. I’m tremendously grateful and proud to have been able to breastfeed and keep my sanity together for the first couple of months. But these days I’m falling apart in a different way than with my first son. It’s sort of like the other end of the crazy spectrum, of you will. This time around it’s more of the rage/instrusive thoughts/SI type of struggles I’m having. I do suspect that there is some anxiety mixed in with this, although it’s less physically intense than last time and it came on really quickly, like as in a matter of days. 

Once it catches up to me, I suspect that the fact that I am going through this again will magnify all of the above. But for now, I am in problem-solving mode. Contact the therapist now that the holidays are over, buckle in, take care of things. The ducks are in a row and I’m on target. Taking care of what needs to be done. The emotional backlash will come later. 

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